How to Raise a Child

I am not a parent. I can't even make it to a flight on time so parenthood is no where in the near future. But, I do know if you want to raise good kids there are four rules you must follow, otherwise you'll have an emo-wearing, no-good huffing, sexting-craised child.

Rule #1. Your child must watch Seinfeld from a very young age. He or she must understand the the very foundation of life before anything else.

Rule #2. Forget about Pokemon and Dora the Explorer. These cartoons are too hip. Every Saturday morning, you must only allow your developing child to watch the classics like Bugs Bunny, Tom and Jerry, Bullwinkle and Pink Panther. But, not the modern movie version of Pink Panther, that one was terrible.

Rule #3. If you have 3 different types of potato chips in the house, don't be that parent who only let them open one bag at a time. That rule is dumb and nonsensical.

Rule #4. Make your kids do their homework. But, only after they've watched at least one episode of Seinfeld.

Follow these guidelines and I promise you will have a well-adjusted, non-extremist and down-to-earth child who will grow up to do great things. Or, good things at least. I am completely serious.





He had overly strict parents who never let him drink soda. Thus, pink eye shadow.

We got to drink all the soda in the world. Thus, awesomeness.