Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hey Subway Stop Trying to be Classy. Your Employees are not "Sandwich Artists"

I eat Subway all of the time and I do so because I am not creative enough to think of any other place to grab a quick bite. And also because my Dad is a firm believer in mediocrity...

And, I'm there so often I know what to expect; turkey with random brown spots, tomatoes with white, unripe centers and bread that smells like my brother's hamper. I'm cool with that.

What I'm not cool with is the fact that you, Subway, try to get away with calling your hourly, minimum wage, ex-convict/illegal immigrant employees "Sandwich Artists." Let me say that again for those of you who didn't hear me. Subway calls their employees "Sandwich ARTISTS." Both you (Subway) and I know that when you call your employees "Sandwich Artists" you really are just insulting your customer's intelligence as well as taking away whatever dignity your hourly employees have left.

I understand you pay for what you get. 4 bucks for a sub, I expect $4 quality. But I also know that if these sandwich artists were actually "artists" they would know that sandwiches should not be made like a hotdog, with the meat and fixings directly straddling the bread so when you fold it in half the insides don't lay flat. My life would be so much easier if I had large breasts and if these "sandwich artists" could just slice the bread all the way in half, pile everything on the lower half and then just cover the sandwich with the other slice of bread so I don't have to eat it like a giant wiener dog. (Please see photo attached for a phenomenon I like to call "The Hot Dog Effect")

Real "Sandwich Artists" come from places like France or Italy or the Culinary Institute of America, not Torrance, CA. Like we let Rachael Ray slide with not being an actual trained Chef but you, Subway are pushing it way too far with this serious title your just so casually tossing around. I think you, Subway, just need to be comfortable and confident with the fact that you are not classy, and you never will be classy. You're like that girl who shops at Forever 21 but walks like she shops at Neiman Marcus.

So, please take down the glamor shots of aged cheeses and aromatic basil from your walls and replace them with pictures of like NASCAR and Shaq. I think people would respect your company a lot more if you just admitted that you're a mediocre fast food joint. And please, change the name of your employees to "Cold Cut Slingers" or "Lucky to Have a Job at all." Remember Subway, if you strive for mediocrity you will never have to feel the pain of failure.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Your Cat is not a He or a She. It's an it.

I can't remember who I was speaking with recently (conveniently for the purpose of this blog post) but I do remember our conversation and the moment that they became incredibly annoyed/offended that I got the sex of their cat wrong, which is absolutely ridiculous. Unless I get the sex of your 15 year old son wrong, relax.

Your cat/dog isn't going out for the football team or signing up for ballet classes so the sex of your cat/dog is useless. They don't have feminine/masculine traits that differentiate themselves from one another so how am I expected to know? It's not like the male cat has a deeper meow or has to shave for work in the morning.

The Sex of a human barley matters anymore, how could it possibly be relevant in the animal world? If the WNBA can exist, gender is clearly no longer pertinent and yet, "(Clearing throat) Sparkles is a HE." "Oh, really? Well, if you didn't give him such a gay name maybe I would've known that." The only way I differentiate gender is by cat and dog. Cats are the girls and dogs are the boys (unless they are a little sissy dogs). So when I see a cat I just assume it's a she, since it's the weaker of the two. And dogs are the dudes clearly, because they are much cooler.

And it's not like the animal knows it's being called a boy when it's really a girl. It can't get offended or get a complex about it's gender. Like the cat says, "I knew my whiskers make me look like a boy, now I'm embarrassed to play outside, the other cats are going to make fun of me."

You may be surprised to find out that I do have a cat and I LOVE "it" more than words and "it" is adorable. My little "it" may have male parts but "it" acts more like a woman, very needy, sensitive and "it" cries a lot. And "it's" sex isn't relevant because I'm not planning on setting it up with the female cat next door to make more little "its". The only thing I and anyone else needs to know about "it" is that "its" adorable and sweet and loves when you pet "it's" chin.

The same person who gets offended when you get the sex of their pet wrong is also the person who gets offended when you get their name just slightly wrong - like really mad. "Umm, actually, it's Christine, I HATE the name Christina." Yes, I know it's a different name but only by one letter.

I don't mind if someone calls me Kirsten when my name is Kristen. Actually, I'd prefer it. It makes me feel like I'm someone else for a few short sweet minutes. Yes, I AM Kirsten, I am strong, confident and cool unlike Kristen who is weak, depressed and scared. I'll take the different name and it's okay if you think my cat is a she.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Pilot I was in Just Aired on TLC.

IMDB here I come.

'Dental Chickens' Phrase is No Longer a Mystery to Me... But Why They Think it's Good Advertising Is.

Now, take a look at this ad I've seen a couple of times. I seem to notice this unintentionally hilarious ad on days when I'm frustrated because it usually ads to my confusion toward the world... and today was one of those days because I just got fired from my waitressing job. And you can imagine the low point you hit when someone tells you more or less, you suck at bringing people sodas... but that's a whole 'nother blog for a different day.

Back to bad advertising... See, I consider myself a relatively smart person regardless of what I scored on my math regents. And I, for the life of me could not figure out what "We Cater to Dental Chickens" meant. At first I thought it could mean a number of things like 1. Chickens, regardless that we use them for the eggs need oral care too. Or 2. Business has been slow so we're branching out to the animal world (Hey, in a bad economy, you never know what people will do).

But each of these explanations weren't adding up because of the creepy picture along side of the headline. Now, I understand using a photo of a child because they're young, innocent and lovable to gain positive feelings toward your product... But to include an adult man with a receding hairline as well is a bit, tacky.

As a society we're all very aware of the influx of pedophilia lately. As a result, it's a little touchy displaying an ad where an adult man is uncomfortably close to a young child. In a perfect world, I'd like to think this adult man is the father of this young girl and he's only showing his admiration of his child. BUT, there is a problem with this ideal theory... the girl is walking a fine line between being his daughter and being another race completely... leading us to believe that she's not his daughter at all but a young child he's scooped up on his way to the duct tape and rope shop.

So, for the life of me I just couldn't figure out what this ad was getting at.

But, after posting this image to Facebook I immediately got an explanation. And I said Ohhhhhh I get it. They are catering to those who are afraid of the dentist... thus "chickens."

How could I not have gotten this? Of course I questioned my intelligence for a second but only for a second. Until I realized that I didn't get it because I'm SO smart that I thought "it couldn't be referring to people afraid of the dentist, that's too easy."

A link to their website provided by a helpful Facebook friend showed that some of the ways they cater to 'dental chickens' is by using get this, laughing gas and various types of sedation. In my opinion, if you are so outrageously afraid of the dentist that you require laughing gas or sedation the only people catering to you should be psychiatric doctors. Not dentists.