Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hey Subway Stop Trying to be Classy. Your Employees are not "Sandwich Artists"

I eat Subway all of the time and I do so because I am not creative enough to think of any other place to grab a quick bite. And also because my Dad is a firm believer in mediocrity...

And, I'm there so often I know what to expect; turkey with random brown spots, tomatoes with white, unripe centers and bread that smells like my brother's hamper. I'm cool with that.

What I'm not cool with is the fact that you, Subway, try to get away with calling your hourly, minimum wage, ex-convict/illegal immigrant employees "Sandwich Artists." Let me say that again for those of you who didn't hear me. Subway calls their employees "Sandwich ARTISTS." Both you (Subway) and I know that when you call your employees "Sandwich Artists" you really are just insulting your customer's intelligence as well as taking away whatever dignity your hourly employees have left.

I understand you pay for what you get. 4 bucks for a sub, I expect $4 quality. But I also know that if these sandwich artists were actually "artists" they would know that sandwiches should not be made like a hotdog, with the meat and fixings directly straddling the bread so when you fold it in half the insides don't lay flat. My life would be so much easier if I had large breasts and if these "sandwich artists" could just slice the bread all the way in half, pile everything on the lower half and then just cover the sandwich with the other slice of bread so I don't have to eat it like a giant wiener dog. (Please see photo attached for a phenomenon I like to call "The Hot Dog Effect")

Real "Sandwich Artists" come from places like France or Italy or the Culinary Institute of America, not Torrance, CA. Like we let Rachael Ray slide with not being an actual trained Chef but you, Subway are pushing it way too far with this serious title your just so casually tossing around. I think you, Subway, just need to be comfortable and confident with the fact that you are not classy, and you never will be classy. You're like that girl who shops at Forever 21 but walks like she shops at Neiman Marcus.

So, please take down the glamor shots of aged cheeses and aromatic basil from your walls and replace them with pictures of like NASCAR and Shaq. I think people would respect your company a lot more if you just admitted that you're a mediocre fast food joint. And please, change the name of your employees to "Cold Cut Slingers" or "Lucky to Have a Job at all." Remember Subway, if you strive for mediocrity you will never have to feel the pain of failure.