Please Keep Your Chair in an Upright and Locked Position. Atleast Until After We Crash.

I used to be a good flyer... until I got old enough to realize that the same men who wear Lee jeans are the same men who are responsible for putting my plane together. Actually, I think I realized it in college when I was dating an engineer from France who worked for Airbus, and when he made me Coq au Vin, a popular french dish and it sucked I thought if he can't even get chicken right... how is he going to get the structure of a plane right?

Like I said, I used to be a good flyer. But now I'm a wreck. The only way I make it 30,000 feet in the air is with some heavy doses of Tanqueray. Otherwise I'd have to be restrained in a straight jacket and beat over the head with some middle aged woman's carry-on that CLEARLY should have been checked. I don't drink all year until I get on a plane, then suddenly I turn into Chelsea Handler (with out the successful comedy career of course).

But my biggest beef lies with the people I like to call "Poker Faced" Flyers. They're sitting there so calm, so uninterested like they haven't looked out the window and seen that we are 30 THOUSSSANNDDD FEET above ground and if they have looked out their window they are so above it all because they think "Hey, we are humans, we are foolproof, we are GOD." Listen, confident humans, homosapians have walked the earth for 250,000 years and within those 250,000 years out of all the things that they've known to be natural, being 30 THOUSAND FEET above ground is not one of them. I have had moments where I'd like to stand up, turn around and shout (from first class of course) "Have you people not noticed that we are 30 THOUSAND FEET above ground???!!! Have you all gone mad???

But, despite my terror I get on a plane and I go... because I live 3,000 miles from my family. And don't think I haven't thought about driving all the way from California to New York to go to a cousins wedding for a weekend and then turn right around and drive back 3 days later.

But enough about me, I want to get down to business... I'd like to address one type of person, and you know who are. I'm talking you "Person Who Reclines Their Chair Before the Crew Says You Can." The last time I flew the guy sitting in front of me was clearly an asshole. I knew this because he had a lot of gel in his hair. But not only did he have too much gel in his hair, he had his seat reclined before I even sat down. Which is not only inconsiderate for the person trying to settle into their seat, it's against federal aviation law (yes, I am the federal aviation law police). And despite the crews failed attempts, he was a sneaky bastard and when we took off, his seat was reclined. Hey, inconsiderate dude, please just keep your seat up until they say you can put it back - in an emergency, I highly doubt your seat 2" closer to my face is going to make or break my chances of survival but AT LEAST give me the courtesy of knowing that I will have .1 second more time before I bash my head into the video screen in front of me. Listen, I am a considerate person so I know that if I recline my chair before the crew gives me the go ahead, I will make the guy behind me very uncomfortable because he is probably following the rules and will just be stuck REALLY close to his tray table until he feels it is socially and lawfully acceptable to put his seat back. On one angelic occasion I had a guy actually ASK me if he could recline his seat. It was adorable. He turned around, his little eyes peaking through the crack in the seats and he asked really nicely "Heyyy, do you think it would be okay if I put my seat back?" I was so taken aback by his consideration that despite his bald spot I thought for one brief second, I was in love. Maybe his consideration for other human beings comes from the humility of being a bald guy... who knows?

With in the past year there have, unfortunately been been a string of airplance incidents that have made my fears soar to great heights (or greats depths depending on what way you look at it). But, the biggest tragedy in recent months was the crash of AirFrance Flight 447 where 280 lives were lost. So, maybe I was right? If you can get Coq au Vin right...