Headline News (HLN) has some of the worst hair in news.
While they're delivering the news on the state of our economy, I'm not wondering how our economy got so bad. Instead, I find myself wondering how their hair got so bad. And, is there any stimulus package out there to make it grow?
I'm sure fixing these hairstyles would create thousands of jobs.
Our twenties is not too young to start thinking about our last will and testament. Although we may not yet have acquired thousands of dollars worth of assets or families of our own, we do have some things that will need managing... like our Facebook, Twitter and Myspace accounts.
I, for example, have chosen to give the password to all of my social networking sites, including this blog to my boyfriend. If I happen to die unexpectedly, (get trampled in a Wal-Mart stampeed for example) I have given my boyfriend, by way of a post-it note, signed and dated, the orders to erase my precious Facebook, Myspace and Twitter accounts, immediately.
There is nothing creepier than wishing someone a happy birthday on their Myspace page after they're dead. "Happy Birthday Billy." Happy birthday Billy? Billy's dead. It's not happy birthday, it's Sad Birthday. Come on, sing along... "Sad Birthday to you, Sad birthday to you, Sad birthday to you. How old are you (if you were still alive) now? How old are you (if you were still alive) now?" (This sounds a lot less morbid if you sing it with a keyboard or in G on the guitar.)
I don't understand why someone would write on someone's Facebook or Myspace wall after they are gone? Do they think the afterlife is so unexciting that the spirits are checking their Myspace page to see who did and didn't wish them a Happy Birthday? Man, I hope not. Or, perhaps this is the modern day equivalent to bringing flowers to someone's grave site?
I wonder if there is a sympathy flower app on Facebook so it can be like the real thing? If there isn't one already, I am patenting it.
I am not a parent. I can't even make it to a flight on time so parenthood is no where in the near future. But, I do know if you want to raise good kids there are four rules you must follow, otherwise you'll have an emo-wearing, no-good huffing, sexting-craised child.
Rule #1. Your child must watch Seinfeld from a very young age. He or she must understand the the very foundation of life before anything else.
Rule #2. Forget about Pokemon and Dora the Explorer. These cartoons are too hip. Every Saturday morning, you must only allow your developing child to watch the classics like Bugs Bunny, Tom and Jerry, Bullwinkle and Pink Panther. But, not the modern movie version of Pink Panther, that one was terrible.
Rule #3. If you have 3 different types of potato chips in the house, don't be that parent who only let them open one bag at a time. That rule is dumb and nonsensical.
Rule #4. Make your kids do their homework. But, only after they've watched at least one episode of Seinfeld.
Follow these guidelines and I promise you will have a well-adjusted, non-extremist and down-to-earth child who will grow up to do great things. Or, good things at least. I am completely serious.
He had overly strict parents who never let him drink soda. Thus, pink eye shadow.
Some twins are identical, differentiated only by small details such as a freckle or a dimple. And sometimes, they’re fraternal, being told apart by the giant difference in their head size.
It is one thing to be a bad-looking individual; a singular person without a twin. It is another thing to have been hit with the ugly stick while your twin brother or sister was sprinkled with fairy dust. This person is with you from birth; standing right next to you in all of your family photos as a flashing neon sign saying, “Look at what you could have been if the Zygote chose differently.”
There are many things in life that aren’t fair: Why do men bald? Better yet, why do some women bald? Why are wives usually twice the size of their husbands? Why did the Buffalo Bills lose four Super Bowls? Why when I shave my legs does the hair grow back immediately? Why is Snooki famous and getting to travel the country doing appearances while I’m sitting here in my apartment all alone with a giant bouffant and nowhere to go?
There are no answers to nature’s cruelties, no justification for our lots in life. The bottom line is that sometimes Mother Nature can be a Biznatch. (I have some resentment toward her for the lazy eye and colossal gap between my front teeth – which have since been fixed if you’re wondering).
So, we’ve admitted that sometimes a twin wakes up on the wrong side of the fallopian tube. Now, I'll tell you that there is etiquette involved when it comes to dealing with the less attractive twin; etiquette that should be used from the time she is born.
I advise you to be sympathetic toward her, but do it subtly. She is going to have a tough road ahead. We need to strap love to her little webbed feet so she can walk the road of life with the confidence she deserves.
Etiquette Rule #1: Do not put your twins in equally cute clothing if they don’t have equally cute faces. It just gives the better-looking twin the opportunity to shine. If the twins are pale skinned females, I suggest dressing the ugly twin in colors that will flatter her skin tone such as dark blues and purples et cetera. The attractive twin should be put in colors that aren’t as flattering to her skin tone: yellows and oranges. *The key here is not to make the attractive twin look ugly; it’s to tone down her beauty so the contrast in looks become less obvious.
Etiquette Rule #2: A rose by any other name doesn’t smell as sweet. If the difference in looks is obvious from birth, give the less attractive twin the cooler name. Take me for example… My Mother admitted that she wanted to name me ‘Summer.’ And, when I was getting benched from the softball game with 5lb glasses drooped at the edge of my nose, ‘Summer’ would have given me that cool edge that I needed.
And finally…
Etiquette Rule #3: Santa should forget that Sarah likes pink but remember that Summer likes green. For example, if you are going to buy your twins iPods, the unattractive twin should receive the one with the hip, trendy color while the attractive twin still gets an iPod, it's the boring black one. (Listen, she’s lucky you’re not getting her a cassette player.)
*Any questions or suggestions on Twin etiquette can be sent to my much more attractive sister. She's works as my assistant in a broom closet opening all my fan mail.
On a recent excursion to a public restroom (and I use the word "excursion" quite literally), I was disgusted to find a middle-aged, well dressed woman waltz right out of the freshly flushed bathroom stall and back into a restaurant with out washing her hands. I thought, wow, the nerve it takes to see a person standing right there and say to herself "You know what? I'm not going to wash my hands. This person can like it or lump it."
Maybe in a perfect world this woman didn't even use the toilet, maybe she just had to change her clothes or perhaps she just needed some privacy for a moment. But, even so, she has the social duty, relieved or not, to wash her hands. I understand if she was in the restroom alone without any witnesses and she just said "screw it, I better get back out there, my pasta is getting cold." But to be so brazen, so bold that she can just walk right past a person without feeling slightly obliged to wash is unnerving. If she's not washing in front of people, I can't imagine what she's doing in private.
Perhaps she was in a hurry and didn't have time to wash her hands. But nothing is so urgent that she can't just do me the favor of even fake washing her hands. Just to show me that she cares. The issue here isn't about germs. It's about appearances.
Let me clarify, this post is not about touching soap to hands. It's about fulfilling the unwritten (and sometimes written) social rule that we need to wash our hands after using a public restroom. She didn't even really need to wash her hands to make me happy. I would have been satisfied with a fake wash... just turning on the water and placing her hands near it. Just some effort to show me she respects social etiquette.
Of course we all should wash our hands after we use the restroom. Especially a public restroom. But, I will admit there are times when I just don't feel like washing my hands for a couple of reasons. 1. My sleeves are long and washing would result in wet discomfort. 2. I'm in a hurry to get back to the movie. 3. Having maneuvered my way around the bathroom with my elbows, washing my hands would almost be redundant.
But, as a respectable member of society I will ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS wash my hands when someone else is present in the restroom, long sleeves or not. And, if there is a person in the stall, unable to see me while I'm at the sink, I will turn on the water just to ease their minds.
Catching Swine Flu, or T.B., or Lady Gaga isn't what motivates myself and other kindred spirits to wash our hands in a public restroom. What motivates us is social pressure. It's like recycling: You don't always do it because you want to. You do it because someone's looking.
The woman who just couldn't wait to get back to her pasta may have not contracted H1N1 but she has caught something far worse, flack from Kristen Carney.
FM Radio is bad no matter what time of day it is. Morning, noon, night... I don't want to hear the music that is played nor the hosts that play it (except for Adam Carolla of course, whose since gone to iTunes).
However, morning radio programming is particularly bad. Not just bad. It's cheesy; unfunny prank phone calls, arrogant deejays who wear seashell necklaces (even though I can't see them I just know they are wearing seashell necklaces), contests of who can drink the most water without peeing (which just killed a woman) and giveaways to the saddest person in a cubicle.
But, do you know what else is cheesy? Florida. Specifically West Palm Beach, Florida. And even MORE specifically, a radio station in West Palm Beach called WiLD (yes, it's a lowercase i) 95.5 FM. And if you can believe even more cheesy than that? West Palm Beach radio hosts Kevin, Virginia and Jason.
If you haven't heard or seen the misleading headline "Rob Schneider is a Jerk" referring to an interview he had with three of the most annoying, insecure morning radio hosts, it's time I fill you in. The predictable Kevin, Virginia and Jason interviewed Rob Schneider in what may be the worst interview of all time. These comedic geniuses just don't get it. They just don't get it. And if you are sitting there wondering what "it" is they don't get, that means you don't get it either so just stop reading now.
If you do, let's proceed but not before you watch the interview.
You'll notice that Rob Schneider several times says "Nah, forget about it. I'm just kidding around." But these dummy hosts become defensive. One of the radio hosts goes as far as to say "I'm so sick of this crap. Every time we have a comedian here you think you are bigger than life." Now, if I may, I want to interpret what this guy just said. He more or less said "I'm so sick of not being as funny as you. Every time we have a comedian here I realize what a bad sense of humor I have."
I rarely take action against injustice but this was an exception. This interview made me so mad. Madder than when people don't signal. Madder than someone cutting in line. Madder than when people talk at the movies. That said, I had to write an email to the radio hosts expressing my feelings. And, to my surprise I got a response. However, what didn't surprise me was the lack of thought that went into it.
I've copy and pasted it for your viewing pleasure...
My email read:
You wouldn't know funny if The Three Stooges were sitting next to you watching Marx Brothers videos while reading Jerry Seinfeld's book AND listening to George Carlin's audio book.
Your opinion matters so little to any of us! You are a douche, and you have no idea what you are talking about. You are emailing someone based on bad info... Go jump off a bridge, and hit a few metal pieces on the way down. Dumb ass!
You suck,
Virginia
There is a time and place for all types of behavior. Sincerity. Crying. Lying. Frustration. Even telling Knock Knock Jokes about a Mexican and a Jew. A wake or funeral, specifically is a time and place appropriate for all of the above just mentioned. There are a lot of reasons why this behavior would be appropriate in such a setting.
1. Sincerity; maybe for once you really actually liked this person.
2. Tears; you've come face to face with just how unflattering black is for your skin tone.
3. Lies; the dead guy used to talk incessantly at the movies so you couldn't stand him but you couldn't say that to the grieving widow, of course.
4. A knock knock joke about a Mexican and a Jew may be just what the group of police officers in mourning need.
5. Frustrations; someone just finished the rest of TownHouse brand half cracker/half pretzel hybrid you've been dying to try. Excuse me, meaning to try.
Sound politically incorrect? Good. It should. Politically incorrect can fly at a funeral because we're human and death is scary, or at least it is for us Catholics. We've got to get through it some how. And, if telling off-color, insensitive jokes is what your little stone heart desires at a funeral, so be it.
But, there is one thing you should never ever do when it comes to death. And, that is go to a wake/funeral just because EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING.
Years back, when I was in high school a fellow student died a very tragic death. And I felt terrible. Genuinely terrible. But I didn't go to his calling hours because 1. His death turned into a popularity contest and popularity has never been my thing. 2. I am not a disingenuous person.
Deciding whether or not to attend a funeral service should be a much bigger decision than deciding to show up at the high school dance or a homecoming football game.
When this student's calling hours took place there was a line down the street for hours. This would have been nice if everyone was there to celebrate his life. However, most people were there to celebrate their own lives and how many more parties they were going to be invited to following the service.
The bottom line is if you're going to use someone's funeral to better your social situation, chances are you're not meant to be very popular in the first place. There are plenty of other things that can make you look cooler than attending a stranger's funeral.
Perhaps work on your personality?
Some people may argue they'll look like jerk if they don't go. I say you look like a jerk if you do go. If you didn't know the person don't go to the wake, don't send a card. And please oh, please don't post your condolences in a Facebook update.
A few months ago on a week long stay in my home town I got stuck playing a game of cards with some of the locals. One of these locals happened to be a town cop. And I knew things were off to a bad start when I said "I would respect small town cops if they spent more time fighting crime and less time planning their next softball game."
But I understand, in a small town like mine, there isn't much crime to fight. Really the only dangers are overweight women in spandex. And to give cops a little credit, that can be quite scary.
And, I don't think I'm overstepping my bounds by saying that small town cops aren't the most open minded folk around (and I use the word "folk" very literally). They are often confused by art, insightful humor, people who live in big cities and to put it politely, black people. And nothing says "I played football in high school" like becoming a small town cop.
And, as many of my fellow stand up comedians would agree, it's better not to tell people you are a comedian because you will get the inevitable "Oh yeah? You're a comedian? Tell us a joke, comedian." My response to this is usually "I don't think you have the intelligence level to understand my jokes... they're not Knock Knock Jokes." And they usually respond by saying "I have this friend who's really funny. He told me this joke the other day. It was something like.. oh how did it go. It was hilarious. Oh I know what it was.. So a Mexican and a Jew walk into a bar..." Then I sit and fake smile at their lack of understanding what a joke is. It's very awkward.
Anyway, to my UNsurprise, the cop, out of everyone said that exact thing. "Oh yeah? You're a comedian? Tell us a joke, comedian." And to him I responded "You're a cop? Now if you were to spell the word 'you're' would you spell it Y.O.U.'R.E or Y.O.U.R.? This is a very telling way to discover someones intelligence level. And, if he chose correctly, I would have thought about possibly telling him a joke. But we never got to that point because he hated me immediately. Which was fine with me, except for the fact my car's license plate was highly visible from where we were sitting.
Now, it's been a while since this incident so I can't remember what happened next. I'm guessing the word fagot was thrown around lightly as well as the 'N' word, and the cop probably crushed about 5 or 6 beer cans on his forehead and once I had had enough I got one more jab in before I left... I said. "Hey Mr. Coppy... Are you going to drive home after you're finished with your 24 pack of Keystone?"
Then I ran like hell..
Now, I don't think all cops are bad. I have respect for the ones who really deal with the big bad guys. But, my respect went down a few notches last weekend when I was pulled over for my first time by the LAPD.
[Note: the following paragraph(s) to come contains all the things I would've like to have said to the cop but I didn't have the balls to so I didn't... The following are responses I wish I could have said but instead I was a sissy]
It was a Saturday, and as usual I wasn't doing anything too exciting. I was just on my way home from dinner when I saw a cop move over three lanes to get behind me. So, of course, I knew what was coming... He got out of his car and shined that ridiculously bright flashlight in my eyes. I said "Sir, please. Remove that flashlight from my eyes so I can see the man I have to fake attraction to."
Typically, he said "license and registration." I was like "yeah, nice line. Really original." And I gave him my license. He starred at it for an unusually long amount of time, like he was looking for something to be racist about. He couldn't find anything (although I do look slightly ethnic in my photo). So, he told me I had a break light out and I said (fake concerned) "Oh, no. Really?" (Which I thought was weird he said that because I had recently got both break lights changed)... And this was his EXACT quote "I wouldn't lie to you." I thought "Wow, what a stand up guy... he wouldn't lie to me. I should date that one."
So, a day or two later I go to get my break light fixed and the guys at the shop are like "Nah, miss yer break lights are werkin' jus fine." (that's how all mechanics speak, even the Mexican ones). So, the cop lied to me. Ridiculous because he said "I wouldn't lie to you." Like he made a point to lie and then made a point to say he wouldn't lie.
But anyway, when I was at the shop to get my break light fixed I figured since I was already there I should just get a quick inspection of my car... it's starting to age slightly. It's weird in Los Angeles cars aren't even allowed to age. So when they inspected it they found that my actual breaks were worn down to about nothing and they were about to go.
So, thank you Mr. Cop for misleading me. If it weren't for your lies, dishonesty, crookedness, deceit and flimflam, I probably would have been killed when my breaks failed on me. You're the reason I'm still alive. You are my untrustworthy hero.
I'll come thank you at your next softball game.
